More About Me
I am…
Hmm.
Who am I?
I am… a person.
I am a person, trying to figure out who I am.
I identify as female, more or less, so she/her pronouns are fine. I do dress in a feminine way, and I like my hair to look feminine, but I don’t feel particularly feminine… I just like how femininity looks. In fact, I feel like I’m admiring femininity in almost as if from the outside of it… not quite outside, but close. I am definitely attracted to femininity, as can be told from almost all of the crushes I’ve ever had throughout my life, but I’ve not yet explored how much farther that feeling could go, though, and in fact I am currently not at all interested in any explorations of that sort with anyone.
I don’t like to partake in many traditionally-feminine activities, other than striving to make my surroundings beautiful… but I feel like that is something everyone should be able to enjoy! I get pretty annoyed when activities are considered gendered, though, and in fact I feel somewhat gross having started this paragraph with that concept.
Anyways, so, I think the best descriptor for myself is demifemale, meaning I only somewhat identify as female.
I found it quite a relief when society started discussing gender as a spectrum, because it finally helped me feel like my self-perception actually does make sense after all. It has also helped me understand why I had always felt so awkward about gendered labels for myself, like “woman”, “lady”, “girl”, “girlfriend”, “wife”, and even “mother”/”mom”/”mommy”. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kid, I just have always cringed at the label that was slapped on me just because of having a kid. I felt ashamed of this discomfort, and also of the related discomfort of being called “wife”, but it all started making sense when I realized I felt similarly awkward about the words “woman” and “lady”.
Is it the fault of the patriarchy, perhaps, making me wish I wasn’t in the oppressed group? Or is it indeed more about how I see myself, and how I want to express my identity?
Like I said, I’m trying to figure out who I am. Part of that has included figuring out who I am not, by seriously considering who I’ve been and how I’ve wanted to be, and making adjustments to my life to better fit what feels right for me. I’m trying not to be overly specific about this, for now, but I will eventually write more about my life. Someday, my thoughts and experiences will be released from the confines of my mind, and not just on little scraps of paper or journal entries that only I can read! I want my perspectives to be available for others to explore and perhaps appreciate as well!
I’ve always known I’m not an ordinary person.
I just don’t know fully what that means, yet, but I’m working on figuring it out.
I’m also working on figuring out what I’m going to do with myself. I know it’s going to involve writing, because I love the feeling of words coming out of me and onto a page. I even love editing, sculpting the words into something beautiful. Even writing my dissertation was enjoyable — but after I got my Ph.D. in Physics, all I knew for sure was that I didn’t want to keep trekking forward along that path into academia. The main thing I liked about academia was helping students learn, especially through creating clear and easy-to-read explanations of things… so, writing. Yup. That’s what I’m going to do with myself.
Through my writing I want to inspire others to examine, appreciate, and savour as much understanding of the universe as possible, the way I do. I’ve entertained a lot of ideas of how I’ll do that, from writing textbooks to becoming a blogger, but my longstanding favourite idea is to write children’s books, striving to inspire kids to examine the world for themselves and appreciate the understanding that can be gained by comparing observations to good sources of information. I also have several ideas of perspectives from my own life that I’m aching to make into books as well; one is already almost entirely written, and for several others I have collected plenty of notes and ideas.
Currently, I’m taking time to organize my life: all the notes, all the things, all the thoughts, all the ideas, I want clarity dammit! And I’m working on writing, allowing myself to work on any or all of the things, because right now my main goal is to get into patterns that include a lot of writing.
And that’s where I am, basically. There’s more I could say, and probably will eventually… but for now, I just needed to update what was here, because my last update still described me as a grad student, which hasn’t been true since 2015! So this update was over 7 years overdue… oops! But it’s fixed now, and up to date, as of 2023-01-14.
See also: About this Site or go back to About Me.